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A Need to be Negative

I’m starting to see a pattern here.
Recently I realized that my “constructive criticism” is missing on the constructive side. Please bear with the  kind of personal nature of this post – you’ll get your profound Torah wisdom at the end, I promise (hope). I guess you can skip if you want. 🙂

Meta-Criticism

Well, motzi Shabbos (Saturday night) my wife told me I was being negative. Ok, she told me that I’m very often negative, and pointed out some incidences during the day where I was focusing on what may have been missing, as opposed to all the things that went perfect and great.
To defend myself, I listed a number of complements that I had given (Mostly positive interactions with the kids, not to her :(, except I did complement the delicious cholent. 🙂 ) In any case it could be I have a negative streak. However this is how I explained the math to my wife:
“You only mentioned one particular negative comment over Shabbos, and I made several positive comments, and loads of neutral. So that at least cancels out – leaving me at least neutral.”
When you win, you lose. In certain circles they say “De-Nile ain’t just another river in Egypt.” So I wasn’t all the way there yet. But I’m working on it.

Kabbalistic Criticism

I’m taking a  spiritual coaching course. From the beginning I’ve been pointing out things that could improve with it. (It’s their first run.) The order and manner of presentation, the technology used, the description of the concepts, it’s too girly – too much information, too little information etc… I figured my Torah knowledge and technical expertise (I created this website and built, co-authored www.yiddishacademy.com by my lonesome.) could be of use there, you see.
I recently filled out their survey, making sure to complain about the survey itself. When I came to the section of particular things I gained from the course up to date, I listed with much satisfaction the awareness of whether or not an action is coming from a purely selfish motivation versus an altruistic one indicates whether or not you’re in line with your nefesh ha’bahamis (animal life force, from the Dark Side) or your nefesh Elokis (Divine soul). I really thought that was something extremely worthwhile that I had gained from the course. Then I hit send. (?!)
Don’t worry, I got the irony right afterwards… Maybe my feedback wasn’t so welcome because it wasn’t coming from exactly the right place. It wasn’t the most pleasant realization. And why did I have to do it again and again?

Random Criticism

And why  exactly do I go around judging people and what they do all the time? Why am I always criticizing people? Even people I barely know? Even people I don’t know at all, not where they’re coming from or what they’re about or anything? What do I accomplish with this? I’ve even criticized people I don’t know to their faces, not just in my head.
If one is not sure that the other will appreciate the input, and probably not act on it, criticism cannot be for the other person’s benefit can it? That would make it from the nefesh ha’behamis, an act out of line with our divine nature.
What is the payoff for our animal? It could be an inflation of ego, or a defense – an externalization and nullification of qualities that are too close to home. In my case with the coaching I have a strong desire to be seen as an expert in areas I’ve worked hard to learn about – I don’t feel seen and acknowledged. Hence the snowballing criticism after it wasn’t well received in the first place for the first reasons.
But where does the tendency for general negativity come from? Perhaps if one perceives oneself as negative and deficient, a convenient defensive is putting that on everyone and everything else. But the irony there is that it just self perpetuates… judgment, negativity, more judgment, and more negativity. The only answer is love and acceptance – to the self and the other, in any order. We’re all connected anyway.

The Light from the Darkness – Yisron Ha’Ohr Min HaChoshech

But how can we (We meaning me. But not the royal we. 🙂 ) get there? Besides expensive therapy and men’s groups with war paint and tribal chantings? The truth is, I used a technique called The Work: www.thework.com after I spoke with my wife (actually it was a different conversation, but that one was even more personal), and that’s how I was able to get to a place of serenity this weekend. But I also studied Michtav M’Eliyahu over Shabbos, and I think an idea I learned with my chavrusa could really be of benefit, to help maintain awareness.
Maybe it would help to see that even our negativity is ultimately good. It’s just being channeled the wrong way. Why? The Michtav M’Eliyahu explains (Vol. III, towards the end of Yediah V’Hasagah, Ohr K’salmah) that God is so beyond, that we can only perceive Him by what He isn’t. We can only come to know Him by seeing our own faults which He always helps us to perfect. By seeing our own imperfections and acknowledging them, we are able to know Him through what He isn’t!
It is profound and encouraging. Our faults were created by God so that we could choose to perfect them and own ourselves and our eternal joy in experiencing Hashem, and on top of that it is only through our faults and imperfections that we see God – just as we see objects in contrast to the light that did not penetrate them, we see God through that which we know is not Godly within us.
When we see that God don’t make no junk, we can accept and embrace our failings, acknowledge them and own them before we ask Hashem to help us improve… Then we can expand our awareness and realize that everyone else is deserving of that same love and acceptance.
May the Messiah come speedily in our days. Amen.
To lighten things up, here are some of my artsy, hopefully halichikly ok if not weird kabbalistic drawing related to this idea:
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Amazing Shiur – Not So Anonymous…

I almost wish I was a woman so I could listen to these:
The Author of Bilvavi, LIVE Phone Shiur for Women
Rabbi Itamar Schwartz, author of the life-transforming series Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, will be giving a ten-class women’s Rosh Chodesh phone chaburah on the energies of each month, once a month,  throughout the course of the year.
Join now.  Limited spaces available.   Begins this Rosh Chodesh Av.   For Women Only.
Please click on this link to receive more information www.G-dDirectTorah.com.
The Rav’s books are amazing, and are all published anonymously. But you can’t hide (a Tzaddik doesn’t remain nistar forever) for too long I guess.
Rebbetzin Devorah Yaffa Singer has put together an amazing website… a portal for all sorts of inspirational Torah and spirituality geared towards Jewish women. (And sometimes men too.) Take a look!

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I Wish I Was Someone Else…

so I could be sameach b’chelki (happy with my lot/portion).

That’s what I quipped to my friend at the yeshivah while discussing jealousy, and its root in a lack of bitachon/faith. If you know God is totally on your side, than you realize everything you have is just right for you, just right for your mission and to help you get your ultimate, perfect reward. Thinking about the other guy’s stuff is like looking in his medicine cabinet and wishing you had his prescriptions, or being jealous of his glasses – you either don’t need it, or it’s not the right fit.
“I wish I was someone else so I could be sameach b‘chelki.” It’s absurd for a couple of reasons. First off, if I was someone else, I wouldn’t be me now would I? I wouldn’t be able to enjoy being someone else. If I stayed me while I was someone else, well, wherever you go, there you are. Who says I wouldn’t still be looking over the fence at someone else’s lawn?
My friend and I had a good laugh over the line, and I marveled at my cleverness. Ha ha! That was a good one! I passed a Rabbi in the hall and said over the line… Funny, funny.
I went to the bathroom and sobbed. I washed my hands, washed my face, and sobbed some more into the bacteria infested yeshiva hand towel.
Coming out of galus/exile is not so easy – it can be a gradual process. Like awakening suddenly from a horrible nightmare, you can be so scared you don’t want to get out of bed… it takes time to bring yourself back to living. “Shir HaMaa’los.. a song of ascensions… – hayinu k’cholmim… We were like dreamers. Oz yimaleh schok pinuh u’lshoneinu rinah. Then our mouths will be filled with laughter, and our tongues with joy.”
 

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Weird Tatty and the Holy Tounge – and My New Glasses

So today my new glasses were delivered to my door from www.israeloptical.com . I do know the owner, but they deliver for non-friends also. Great service. 🙂
I asked my family what they thought of the glasses – I used to always wear round metal, and I went for black plastic. Everyone seemed to like them, except my son who says “Tatty (Daddy), you look like a weird person.” A weird person? What’s that supposed to mean, I thought to myself. On prodding he said “You know, someone we don’t know.”
The Hebrew word “muzar” can mean strange as in weird, and it can also connote a lack of familiarity. So he wasn’t insulting me, my seven-year old was just telling me that I looked radically different.
Remember this cute anecdote when you read a translation of a Hebrew or Aramaic text! There are a lot fewer words in Hebrew, and each word can have many nuances depending on the context. Hidden Torah in particular has its own code, with layers and layers of meaning. The Written
Torah was given on the mountain with an Oral explanation for good reason! You are putting a lot of trust in a translator when you read his translation.

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A Happy Wife a Happy Life – Making it L'shmah

I wish I remembered how this came to me, but I recently had a great insight worth sharing. I think I was learning a Rambam from Hilchos Yesodei HaTorah for my MJI class. It’s about l’shmah, relationships, and growing up.
There is an interesting idea that a l’shmah (“for the sake of,” without any selfish intent) mitzvah has the ability to raise up and transform non-l’shmah acts into l’shmah ones. Rav Chaim Volozhin talks about the idea when it comes to Torah study, and in a similar vein the Baal HaTanya mentions it in terms of a persons prayers – prayers with intent raise up prayers with no intent.
The Rambam discusses another idea. He explains that one of the reasons we have so many mitzvahs is that in order to exist in Olam HaBa, the world to come, it is necessary to have performed at least one mitzvah l’shmah.
This is what I want to say:
Chazal (Our Sages. What you say when you don’t remember the source reference exactly) tell us that L’olam adam yasok b’torah u’v’mitzvos afilu sh’lo l’shmah. A person should always involve himself in mitzvahs and Torah study, even with selfish intent. There are other sources that contradict the idea. The idea is, when the purpose of the lo l’shmah (selfish) act is to get to l’shmah – than it is l’shmah.
We perform Mitzvahs and study Torah within the context of a loving relationship with Hashem. In such a relationship each member will act for the benefit of the other and for the sake of the relationship itself. Two people who are getting their needs met exclusively for their own reasons are using each other, even if it is consensual.
In a committed relationship, we don’t always want to give what our spouses want or need. Sometimes we have to do it for fear of repercussions, to keep on their good side, or maybe even bribe ourselves with the knowledge of a “reward” we will receive – like our favorite dinner etc..
But sometimes our higher self shines through, and we do something for the other just because we know it would make them happy. We reveal that everything else we may have done for selfish reasons was a part of the bigger picture – our true desire to benefit the other and form a unity greater than the sum of our parts.
So that one l’shmah act doesn’t just lift up the other tainted acts, that one sincere prayer doesn’t just give wings or a soul to the others…they reveal what was really there all along…

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Attitude of Gratitude

I’m still in the middle of writing my first post. I hope this doesn’t die before it gets off the ground. The whole point of this is so that I’ll write my ideas while they are fresh, and I won’t forget them. This would definitely help me, and maybe others too.
So, just so that this looks busy, I’m going to post a podcast type thing. It’s my little speech on gratitude I gave when I finished Bava Metziah.. after 10 years of working on it! (Not straight, piecemeal.) Yes, I laugh when I’m nervous. Be patient with the first few minutes, my casual banter turns into a deeper understanding of what gratitude is all about.
Attitude of Gratitude