I Wish I Was Someone Else…

so I could be sameach b’chelki (happy with my lot/portion).

That’s what I quipped to my friend at the yeshivah while discussing jealousy, and its root in a lack of bitachon/faith. If you know God is totally on your side, than you realize everything you have is just right for you, just right for your mission and to help you get your ultimate, perfect reward. Thinking about the other guy’s stuff is like looking in his medicine cabinet and wishing you had his prescriptions, or being jealous of his glasses – you either don’t need it, or it’s not the right fit.
“I wish I was someone else so I could be sameach bchelki.” It’s absurd for a couple of reasons. First off, if I was someone else, I wouldn’t be me now would I? I wouldn’t be able to enjoy being someone else. If I stayed me while I was someone else, well, wherever you go, there you are. Who says I wouldn’t still be looking over the fence at someone else’s lawn?
My friend and I had a good laugh over the line, and I marveled at my cleverness. Ha ha! That was a good one! I passed a Rabbi in the hall and said over the line… Funny, funny.
I went to the bathroom and sobbed. I washed my hands, washed my face, and sobbed some more into the bacteria infested yeshiva hand towel.
Coming out of galus/exile is not so easy – it can be a gradual process. Like awakening suddenly from a horrible nightmare, you can be so scared you don’t want to get out of bed… it takes time to bring yourself back to living. “Shir HaMaa’los.. a song of ascensions… – hayinu k’cholmim… We were like dreamers. Oz yimaleh schok pinuh u’lshoneinu rinah. Then our mouths will be filled with laughter, and our tongues with joy.”